It is my working theory of writing that if whatever you write doesn't leave you feeling naked, then it's not worth writing. Nudity, it should be noted, however, is not the same thing as pornography. There is a difference between being open in a way that says "this is something simultaneously revealing, beautiful, and opprobrious about this," and open in a way that crassly says "look at this, and think these things about me," and this line is real, no matter how fine it may seem.
That is why it takes such a long time for something truly good to cross from your fingertips to this screen, I remind myself. But what is it that takes a bit of personal, spiritual nakedness that takes it from overly revealing pornography to graceful and irreducible form and beauty - naked words in art. These words are the windows to the thoughts and ideals and principles that make us who we are.
Facing those irreducible parts of "us-ness" in the moments of conflict with the world and each other is the largest part of what being an adult actually is, I have realized. Avoiding those difficult parts of life, running from the things that scare us, or hurt us - that's being immature, a child. Age, it would seem, is linked to maturity only by the consequence of those who have chosen to face their fears growing by simple numerical probability.
Those conflicts, too, boil over and show the world that there is conflict going on inside of us. People are violent outside because they are violent inside. People are sad outside, because they are sad inside. It is a form of avoidance - dealing with the external so that we do not deal with the internal. That is immaturity.
The nakedness in my life today is thinking about my family coming to visit. This time, it's not about them, it's about me. And the question that I keep running over and over and over in my head - what is the right way to visit with them?
I have been thinking, and preaching, and writing regularly for these past six months, and a lot of that has focused on my relationship with my family, and my childhood as an abused kid. I know that at times it has bordered on relational pornography the way that the stories have been shared, or that it has seen people express hurt as I have finally, after too many years of sarcasm and avoidance faced up to some very difficult issues, asking myself what I want to do with my life, and who I want to be as a person. Building your life is messy business, it seems.
But, I still have a family that i see, and a part of me still loves my parents very much, even though they were ones who did unspeakably awful things to me, they also often did good things. Who is the father I choose to remember and deal with? Is it the dad who knocked me senseless with the flat of his hand, rage in his eyes? Or is it the dad who told me to hang onto his arms, and then would do jumping jacks, me and my sister flailing in the air, laughing and giggling propelled by his strength?
Who is the mother I relate to? Is it the mom I had to stop from tossing my sister out like childhood rubbish into the winter streets, or the mother who has sent me money so often when the bills were high and my wallet was empty?
It would be so much easier if it were just one - my parents were playful and supportive, so I know that i can trust them. Or, my parents were abusive, dangerous, neglectful, so I do not want them in my life. Instead, they are, as are all people, a very human mix of disfunction and maybe even love.
So, when they visit, I treat them one way, but at another time, when they are not listening, do I write awful stories involving them behind their back? Who is it appropriate to share these things, this information with?
I know now that hundreds of people will start reading this. Many of them, probably most, will finish. To me, I don't know most of you. Many of you would not pick me out on the street if we passed each other, nor would you even necessarily care to be my friend had we met in person. You have simply seen me through my words, and seen a rather naked me, irreducible in ideas and forms, who is wondering what the boiling over conflict in his life will result in. You have seen me
Comments (37)
Writing about what they did to you isn't wrong. It's history. It's true. Both the good and the bad.
But... it is history. And the best people to share that with are your own parents - talk to them about everything.
It'll help you figure out what you really think of them, I'd say.
"It would be so much easier if it were just one - my parents were playful and supportive, so I know that i can trust them. Or, my parents were abusive, dangerous, neglectful, so I do not want them in my life. Instead, they are, as are all people, a very human mix of disfunction and maybe even love."
As I was reading, that was basically going to be my comment, until I got to where you'd already written it.
People are a mixture between everything good and everything bad - to love them we must love all of them, even if that's ridiculously hard sometimes, as I must assume your case must be. You're a stronger person than most, my friend.
I wonder if you are able to tell your parents that you love them, while giving them unconditional love!
God's peace! This blog reveals a genuine love and a desire to reach out!
You are a pretty special guy!
Love,
David Birch
(aka Grampa_David)
Psalm 23
I think sometimes the best people to say something hard to are strangers. You can say it, get it all out there and there is little risk of getting badly hurt. I also think that at some point you should talk over these memories of your past with your parents. My volunteer work with people who have a rough past has shown me that facing the past demons face to face may help you feel like you have finally conquered them. Don't be surprised if your parents are shocked that the things that have tormented you for years are to them very small lapses in temper if they even remember them at all. My experience with such people is that they can only "remember" their own rosey version of things. I think it is their only way of doing horribly unspeakable things to others without going completely insane themselves. I am praying for you.
I love this. Spiritual Nakedness. I am going to keep your theory. I think it is the absolute truth... for the craft, and the concept of writing communities. so many clothes in the world. but those moments of nakedness is where people connect and maintain that web of community.
and nakedness is an honesty. and a vulnerability. and it makes sense to leave you with the mixed feelings. but you do, indeed write in a way of nakedness that adds to a collective healing, i think too.
Being able to reveal so much of yourself in your writing is a gift and a challenge at the same time. It takes a certain level of comfort with one's self to leave ourselves so open and vulnerable to both people we know and random and complete strangers.
I too had problems with some members of my family in my childhood. Unfortunately, lines were crossed and I had to cut those people out of my life completely to avoid further... damage I guess you could call it. While it is healthy and necessary to have a place to find release and try to let go of the pain, the best people to talk to are probably the people who caused the hurt to begin with, once you're ready to breach that line.
However, I don't know you or your situation. I came here on a rec and just wanted to respond, to let you know you aren't alone in the world. Hopefully I'm not out of line. Regardless, I wish you well and hope that you are able to reach an understanding and level of comfort with your family.
yes. that's what nakedness is, and it's healthy to be bare-naked honest with ourselves about who we are, and were. it keeps us honest, also, to share it in this type of venue where we can look back and not fool ourselves about who were are or were.
it's also healthy for others to read what you or I write, so we all know we are not alone, or so we know what truth is. it's not a fairy tale. it's often ugly, and often beautiful.
good write!
j.
I feel this to my inner most self,I had a dad like that nd I know how I struggle to share things not as a victim or to be ugly but for purging,understanding and to help others who may be struggling with it.
Well thought out and written.
I enjoy getting to know you.
Nakedness and all.
Hey, we're still friends. You can say whatever you need to say to your xanga friends. We all have things we would like to say. It's just that some of us don't like to be naked about it.
I have pretty two-sided memories of my parents also.
I hear yah.
I agree. I'm in the same position with my brother. Do I remember and resent the drug addict? Or the person who taught me how to ride my bike, fish, and held me to his chest when I felt neglected by our dad?
I don't know. At the moment, we're not speaking. He's gone down a path I can't follow, and a path where his choices alienate me on a core level.
It's difficult. I know that I too draw upon the pain he has dealt me in order to produce something worth writing.
I did think about this post. Thanks for it.
I'm not sure if i relate to this. (i probably do, but my brain isnt workign properly..)
but..i get what you mean.
you are not alone
Very well said. To me the most important thing is that you realize what you are a product of and keep that perspective as you move on in life.
Beautiful writing. It's crazy how another human's actions can alter our lives in a way that can damage us senseless. I've had to deal with similar issues. As i've grown older i figured i'm just as human as anyone else and we all make mistakes. I had to learn to forgive in order to forgive myself. I had to learn to not judge so that I won't be judged. Most importantly, that I don't want to be of harm to those around me.
Ahh, so true.
Well, when you write about your parents, you are allowed to like them and hate them at different times. When they make you angry, your post will be angry. When they make you happy, your post will be happy. (Like you said :]) You can just take the good with the bad...your posts are human, too.
Wow! Thas all I have to say. I admire you for being so honest and emotionally naked. I wish I could do the same.
"If whatever you write doesn't leave you feeling naked, then it's not worth writing." GREAT advice. I will keep this in mind as I write my way into short stories. "Spiritual nakedness". I like the idea.
Two observations:
1) "It is my working theory of writing that if whatever you write doesn't leave you feeling naked, then it's not worth writing."
Very well said. This is a good quote. I'm gonna add it in my collection.
2) "That is why it takes such a long time for something truly good to cross from your fingertips to this screen, I remind myself."
It is my working theory of writing that whatever you write that comes from your own inner self, it is something truly good. Every small detail that you write about anything that comes from you makes you feel naked. Only those who write to seek praise from the audience are those that are still worthy to be read, but leaves a bitter taste. For then it becomes pride. And pride strokes the ego. And when the ego is getting bigger, it becomes monstrous.
This was great! I laughed a little to myself, too.
If it ever feels a little weird for you to have complete strangers reading about your nakedness, at least know that it's doing them some good.
The most beneficial blog entries I've written are the ones about which I wake up the next morning and think, "Oh, no, I need to go edit that. That was way too vulnerable, way too out there." I'm afraid of being too real because I'm afraid of being hurt. You're right, it literally feels like being naked in front of people (I think. I think that's what being naked would feel like). But then I get back on Xanga and there are already several amazing comments that make me feel so much less alone. So I end up not changing it.You know how, after you write a blog entry, it always prompts you to connect it to your Facebook? Well, mine does, anyway. I can't stand it. I don't want everyone I ever went to school with or randomly knew AND literally many of their moms being able to read my inmost thoughts. There might or might not be a good response, but it's different when you know the people! I think being naked in front of people I know would be far more difficult than exposing my heart to strangers. Yet, perhaps I should. Maybe they ought to be able to know who I really am and the way I think. As long as I didn't start writing more shallowly because I want to hide.
Beautiful entry. Thank you for writing!
I came here through top blogs. In a way it feels strange to comment on such a personal blog when I don't know you. But even though I don't know you I recognize so much of what you said. I have a very similar relationship with my father and I understand the complications and the difficulties of sorting through it. For me writing is a form of therapy and a way of thinking things through. It seems the same for you and it's obvious you are an amazing writer. This is a powerful blog and I'm glad you decided to share it.
My first impulse is to answer you questions and get very intelletual about it, but those are questions for you to answer. I'm doing something similar in my life: I'm asking myself what I really want in a given situation, in each and every moment and trying not to do what I think I "should"/been conditioned to do, but what I'd really like to do, what kind of energy to I want to give out, and really coming from an authentic place within me.
I don't know your parents, but I can relate to the feeling of not feeling very loving towards in regards to past actions (and in my case my parents' inactions) AND loving them. I have always wanted to be able to speak with them about how I've felt: my anger (which I think can be loving when used in the right way) and pain along with my love and appreciation : the good with the bad. I think what I've truly wanted from my parents was to feel connected, but like you mentioned earlier in the post if a person does not deal with the internal, they will not know how to deal with the externals. My parents never knew how to deal with their emotions not to mention emotional pain, so it was not possible for them to teach me how to deal with my own emotions. I may even post about this at some point, not now.
So with that said, my question for you to answer would be, what do you want to happen/say/do/be when your parents come? And taking into consideration what you know of your parents...is it possible? <--this question speaks to their emotional availability.
Thanks for this post. I really enjoyed reading and thinking about it.
You have to know yourself in order to write about yourself. And its not just about things that happened to you in the past, in my opinion. The things that I write, are the things that I think about. Your thinking is a part of your being, which is comprised of your emotions or opinions about the things that you see, hear, and even perceive on a certain level, whether you realize it or not.
Good post.